Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me trying to reach for my goals
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Miscakes
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.