Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Just me and my debit card against the world
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
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