This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39