We cut our bangs at dawn.
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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news