date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
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My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
what could possibly go wrong?
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers