I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.