I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie