date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
You Might Also Like
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
bro what is going on at twitter
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”