Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
A French press is when you hug naked
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
#MeanwhileInCanada
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too