[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
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Good advice.
inside you are two wolves
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
OH. COME. ON.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Trumpy Cat
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute