[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.