[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?