been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
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“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
me irl
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.