Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?