Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.