Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
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do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas