A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Planet of the Apps.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.