I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Doggies just call it style.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days