[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.