HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
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Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
How to make infinite energy.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.