[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you