my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My favorite farside!!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.