Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
A little too much information.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood