A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
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I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
my dog when i have a friend over
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.