Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Every time.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Worst bar ever.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.