My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
*limbos away from your hug*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.