Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.