if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Someone just threatened to call me later
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.