I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
meanwhile over on facebook
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!