That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
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i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef