Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
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After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If looks could kill
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab