I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
TRAIN’S HERE
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.