dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
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I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Big Sex has us all fooled
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her