If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
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“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
it be like that
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.