Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
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I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*