My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it