It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
men are simple creatures
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.