DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
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Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.