There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I feel seen
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.