Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I love art.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway