omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
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Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
🤣✨#caturday
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job