I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff