Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
You Might Also Like
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
sir, my pâté if you please
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume