What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
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I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
This kid will have a bright future.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.