[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
You Might Also Like
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
This one’s “Alex”.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.