Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
blocked.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.