Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.