Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.