My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you鈥檙e done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Hairdresser: what鈥檒l it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don鈥檛 count.
Me: 馃
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me: I鈥檒l email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I鈥檓 an anti-faxer.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.