I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
You Might Also Like
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
This is me 🤣🤣
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I WON A HAM TODAY
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir